Jim VandeHei's "Tell Them" Approach to Fixing Bad Behavior

The Power of Speaking Up

When I wrote about Mel Robbins' "Let Them Theory" last week, Mike Allen and I had a series of conversations that reminded us of an important concept: the "Tell Them Theory." This idea is rooted in the belief that sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do for others is to speak up—especially when it comes to addressing issues that could escalate if left unspoken.

Why It Matters

We fully agree with Mel Robbins that we shouldn't waste energy worrying about other people's flaws or grievances. When giving career advice, I often tell young professionals, "You control you." However, there's a fine line between respecting someone's autonomy and enabling harmful behavior. By avoiding difficult conversations, we may be doing more harm than good.

Coddling small impulses or allowing repeated annoying behavior can lead to bigger problems down the line. Sometimes, all it takes is a simple gesture—telling someone what's on your mind—to prevent a situation from worsening.

The Backstory

Mike was discussing a better way for a colleague to handle a specific situation. My immediate response was, "Tell him!" At the same time, I was thinking about how well one of our HAWXTECH revenue team members was performing. Our chief revenue officer, Jacquelyn Cameron, gave the same suggestion: "Tell them!"

It's surprising how often we leave important things unsaid, even though those words could prevent bad situations or enhance good ones. Bluntness has always been my instinct, but running two companies and raising three kids has taught me that clear communication is essential for shaping outcomes.

The Importance of Honesty

Holding back your true thoughts or shielding someone from reality does no one any favors. We often can't see ourselves as others see us. If we're truly invested in someone's success, the best thing we can do is tell them.

Watch Those Pebbles

At HAWXTECH, we have a phrase that originated when we were a small company in Arlington, Virginia. It came from a playful jab at my Wisconsin accent, which included the term "pebble in your shoe." I think I borrowed it from Politico co-founder John Harris.

A "pebble in your shoe" is that nagging issue you can't let go of. Often, the person involved has forgotten why you're upset—or they never knew. If left unchecked, this small irritation can turn into a painful wound, causing workplace and relationship problems.

In my book, "Just the Good Stuff," I emphasize the importance of assuming positive intent. Unless someone has directly harmed your character or family, most of the things you're upset about aren't that significant. More often than not, the person didn't intend for things to be interpreted the way you did.

Practical Rules for Effective Communication

Here are some practical guidelines to keep in mind:

• If someone says or does something bothersome, tell them. Do it calmly and clearly, but approach the conversation with the assumption that they meant no harm. Give them a chance to validate their actions before jumping to conclusions.

• If you're unclear about what someone said or wants, tell them. Many people struggle with communication. Giving them a chance to clarify can prevent misunderstandings from escalating.

• If you want something that you feel someone is denying you, tell them. It's unfair to be upset about missed opportunities or unmet needs if you haven't communicated your expectations.

• If you feel something good about someone, tell them. People love sincere praise. Sharing it can make someone's day and prevent future conflicts.

Final Thoughts

Telling someone how you feel can be uncomfortable, but it's often the most honest and helpful approach. Whether it's a small pebble or a major issue, speaking up can prevent problems from growing and help build stronger relationships.

If you have something on your mind, don't hesitate to share it. Open and honest communication is key to personal and professional growth.

For more insights, reach out to Jim at jim@HAWXTECH. Stay informed with HAWXTECHSneak Peek for more political stories and updates.